Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

Yup….perfect score!

[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭

Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

ㅤ

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

[getting ready for church]

Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.

6-year-old: Okay.

Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.

6: *gets dressed in record time*

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race