Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭