Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
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Lost the wife today and it’s so liberating. Sadly, she’ll find me eventually, the security guard says I can’t hide in this IKEA forever.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
*takes plate of fries with me*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
So, you wanna get married? I just got into an argument about time travel with my wife and she’s actually going to bed mad.
Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.