Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.