Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

[Space]

No-one: I can hear screaming

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.