Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*