interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Labreador
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*