Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?

No, the cars are much faster.

Stephen King novel not where I remember leaving it. I’m scared, you guys.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!

WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?

ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?

Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.

Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.

I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef