Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.