Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.

Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.