Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
![]()
You Might Also Like
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
![]()
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Cannot stop laughing at this
![]()
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
![]()
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.