Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”

[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.

I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail