Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?