Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

I’m giving up for Lent.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.