Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it

la cocaina

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

[Mother’s Day text to my wife]

Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

me: how do i use this inhaler?

doctor: you suck.

me: i’m trying sorry

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?