Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.

The ample amount of cheese on anything is more

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

me refusing to leave twitter

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.