Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!

Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

Wait a second…

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.