Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
the #horror is real!
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’