Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.

My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

oh u like geography? name every lake

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*

The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.

Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.

mariah carrie

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help

me: we got our own problems

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.