interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs