interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
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Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”