Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.

No time for questions.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Me: Man I love the eighties

Grandparents: We have names

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.