Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today

COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?

ME: She’s my wife

MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

my lower back watching me try to live my life

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

i wish we could shoplift online

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

[tsunami approaching]

guy: RUN

me: wait why is the T silent