Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
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7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Lmao the reply
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Twitter remains undefeated
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
