Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircut

HER: I need more volume

ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.

Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.

Haha! 😂

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.

This is my bus stop.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired