Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.