Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
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I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
United Steaks of America
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
2023 was just a warmup
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time