Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.

I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25

me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

Hmm 🧐