INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My therapist after every session
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.