Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…

Every other person alive: Wut?

You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.

Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there

i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*