Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

Come and get your love.

I don’t deliver. Take out only.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.

“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”