interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m listening
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
hmmmmmm
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Arrest that man!
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot