interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
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Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day