interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
You Might Also Like
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
I’m having an out of money experience.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
