Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

This was a bad idea all around

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design

wife: did you make a scene?

me: *crying* several

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

how do y’all walk in shallow water

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.