Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

So can we start calling them Traylor now?

I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.