Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

Her: come over

Me: are your parents home?

Her: no 😉

Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

Him: We have made it completely idiot proof

Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together