Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand