Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
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Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy