Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You Might Also Like
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I beg you to euthanise me
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
just pretend nothing happened
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.