One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
INTERVIEWER: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
ME: Great memory, which would be an asset to this Chili’s
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Anyone who doesn’t believe sentient A.I. will be the death of humanity has never been asked by Waze to make an unprotected left turn.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Carpenter First Date]
So, tell me about your shelf.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Everybody shoots Cupid with an arrow.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…