friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
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GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.