Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.

-lies parents tell themselves

Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.

Its a hippotatomus

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.