interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
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Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
#damn
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.