Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The answer is funnier than the question

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Had an outline tattoo done on my shoulder and when my friends are sad I let them colour it in

Everyone needs a shoulder to crayon…

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.