Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin