Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death