Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.