Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
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5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
My patience has stretch marks.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.