Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

My birthstone is kidney

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

I forgot how to panic. Help

You’re an open book?

“Throws you into a bonfire.”

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

White parent Vs Arab parents

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

found my next D&D character name

The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.