Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

listen closely

there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”