INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
You Might Also Like
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
u spoke cat all this time??????
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Lol.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful