INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
What personal space?
My dog
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.