INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit