Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right