Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played