Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

2016: omg, wtf is happening?

2017: is this a bad dream?

2018: no seriously, WTF?!

2019: things couldn’t get worse

2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE

me in 2018: surely next year will be better

me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this

me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.

My purse is deeper than some people.

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time