interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
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“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
When someone says you are so lazy
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills