interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
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Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest