Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.

love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt