Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
As the Lord intended
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
#parenting
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.