Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
multitasking lunch
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I have two kinds of followers
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.