Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey