Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

But I really needed water water water

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

never forget

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”