Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wears camouflage to a family reunion*

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Basically, any European coat of arms:

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper

Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience

Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?