Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
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(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Its a hippotatomus
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad