Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[neighbourhood watch meeting]

john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.

suzy: omg who could it be?

lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.

Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Kids: Stay in school.

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.

I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

“He be dead.”

Who? Your English teacher?

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!