interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
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Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
