interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
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*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me