Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.