Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.

A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

i think both sides are to blame here

due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

Dress for the job you want others to think you have.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Me: Hi. Can I help you?

Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand

Me: Great. Where is it?

Him: What?

Me: The nightstand.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“

*interrupting* haha, he said prick

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”